Here we are another year over, an interesting year at that.
In 2019, we were all excited to get rid of the bad energy and people who just weren’t effective anymore in our lives, especially me. I had just lost working for a client which was bringing me fairly good income, thanks to a nosy accountant we had just hired, miserable and ugly as fuck who didn’t like the rapport I had with my client.
Regardless of her pending divorce (maybe if she satisfied her husband he wouldn’t have gone elsewhere), I noticed when people are super miserable, they will do everything in their power to make everyone else miserable including costing them their jobs.
I felt I was at my happiest. I was working out, losing weight, getting into clothes I haven’t been able to fit in for a while, accomplishing my goals, making new connections, everything in my life was falling right into place. I was able to open a door and allow feelings I hadn’t felt since 2008.
Then it all came to a dead stop.
I don’t think I experienced a level of sadness as I did on that day. The feelings of failure and depression seared back into my life as if it never left. Everything I was working so hard for and feeling my family can rely on me and experience less stress came back at full force.
Depression had set in deep. I saw myself working out, but I didn’t make it to the gym, the clothes I was fitting into now sat on a hanger because they didn’t fit anymore, again. I wasn’t feeling good about anything I did. I wanted to cry but I held back my tears, because if I cried, I was accepting I failed.
The fact was the client I worked with; I developed feelings for him. As much as I had tried to stop myself, the more we talked and worked together, it was if he became a kindred spirit. We both liked too many of the same things, we both laughed at our stupid jokes and memes. The complete opposite of what I had with shitshowshane, who was just a little, miserable man.
There was a song by Kanye West called, “Runaway”, and I found myself playing it numerous times a week, as it seemed it was the only song getting me through my moments of sorrow.
There was only so many people I told what was going on with me because not all of my friends were as forgiving or even open to listen to how I felt.
I hated myself on multiple levels.
The level of my weight.
How gross I looked when I stared back at my reflection.
I was angry because I fell in love with someone who didn’t deserve me.
As much as I tried to force myself to feel good and still work towards my goals, it felt like one failure after another, but I kept going. I kept smiling and pretending.
My resolution a few months later was to write a letter, one I never intended on sending but I did anyway. In that letter, I detailed my pain, my disappointments and what I deserved as a woman in a relationship.
I had to remember the letter wasn’t for him to change his mind, it was for me to be free.
In February of 2020, I saw him one last time, gave him the letter and watched him read it (being he didn’t see the email when I did send it). His face when from laughing about some funny comments I wrote, to serious, was when he realized, I was not a person to be toyed with.
As much as I was afraid to share what I felt, I knew I had to be free from the whole mess, I still felt, I created because of the way I fell for him.
So many times, I thought to myself, I should have grabbed him and kissed him that day.
Would it have made a difference? Probably not.
But I had to find a way to let him go because holding on to something, which didn’t exist, was only making me feel worse than I already felt.
It’s amazing because even though I was able to move past him, I still have so many resentments of being with ShitShowShane.
In a conversation I had with a good friend of mine, I told him about another weird dream I had of shitshow, begging me to take him back and gifted me with Baklava. Something I’ve never eaten in my life, and when my friend mention how baklava is a layered delicacy, it was only then, my dream was about the layers of hate I have built over this stupid, mindless man instead of letting that go.
When I interviewed Scott Schmaren earlier this year, I remember feeling so stupid when I was talking about shitshow and the feelings I was going through and he asked me, “why, why are you doing that to yourself”.
I didn’t know how to answer. While I was letting go of someone who I thought was beautiful, I was hanging on to hate of a person I spent almost two years of my life, continually wishing some catastrophe would happen to him because, if something happened to him, it would absolve any regret I had staying in something I knew wasn’t going to work out, ever.
This pandemic has given me pause about my life, where I want to go and what goals I wish to accomplish.
As I continue to make small changes in my life, I find myself moving further away from those who do not truly support me or even those who use me or my friendship as a form of convenience. It makes me sad to realize this, but the reality is and I say it all the time, in order to improve on your life, you must continue to evolve.
And when that happens, it’s about letting go of anyone who’s ties you down or doesn’t encourage you to be the best you can be, whether they are in your life now or not.
Also, another point I need to make, I have learned from a business perspective. Not everyone will support you, not everyone will congratulate you, not everyone comes from an honest ethical place. It’s just a sad reminder, as we draw higher in our goals, not all will truly wish us well. And the ones who do, will be the small group you keep beside you, because those are the ones who truly have your best interest.
My launch of Serboxx, this year showed me that (go there servboxx.com).
In addition, this year, has truly been an eye opener of those who have taken every little thing of social media and making it into something to be noticed to win awards. Such behaviors, not only disgusting, but truly taking advantage of people within our industry, who are not only vulnerable but some I know who have experienced business ruins from bad advice, as a result of listening to such people who have zero experience when it comes to business.
Word to the wise, it may sound good, doesn’t mean it is good.
In closing let’s talk about the notables of what occurred this year, the good, the bad and the horrible.
People became obsessed with TikTok and it had people dancing, doing comedy skits or pranking one another.
On the dark side of TikTok, people began a new trend/challenge called Randonautica, an app which apparently took you to places according to your intentions and the coordinates of your location. Whether it was real or not, we all had a good time watching these videos in taking us out from our own elements.
Australia went up in flames
Harvey Weinstein was convicted of rape, along with other sexual related crimes.
In March, we were all subjected to be locked down due to the novel Corona virus which began in January.
Everyone was on a search for toilet paper and paper towels.
Amazon resellers began price gauging toilet paper.
Hand sanitizer was the new trend.
People were obsessed with Tiger King, except me who didn’t watch, not one episode.
At some point we were able to go out and had to wear mask, which led to a bunch of selfish assholes to come out of the woodwork that now mask were infringing on their rights WTF?
In March Breonna Taylor was savagely murdered in her home by police, while she slept.
The shooting video footage of Ahmaud Arbery was released when two thugs (including the person who videoed the whole thing), claiming they saw him or accused him of a home burglary. Gregory McMichael, his son Travis McMichael, and William “Roddie” Bryan Jr. were all charged with felony murder, malice murder and other counts.
Not too long after, George Floyd was murdered out in public, as a cop held his knee against his neck as George cried, he couldn’t breathe.
In the midst of the BLM movement, we had Karen’s “come out the closet” making fraud 911 calls on fraud confrontations about anything they didn’t feel was right or conjuring up threats which weren’t true, mostly towards people of color.
Who we said our final goodbyes to:
Kobe Bryant and his daughter, Gianna were killed in a helicopter accident which also took the lives of Payton Chester, Sarah Chester, Alyssa Altobelli, Keri Altobelli, John Altobelli, Christina Mauser, and the helicopter’s pilot, Ara Zobayan
Elsa Raven – Save the clock tower lady in Back to the Future
Dawn Wells from Gilligan’s Island
Eddie Van Halen
Ruth Bader Ginsburg
John Lewis, Congressman and Civil Rights Icon
C.T. Vivian, Civil Rights Leader and Field General for Dr. Martin Luther King
Earl Cameron, one of the first black actors to break into British cinema
Jon Huber (WWE Wrestler)
And of course, this list would not be complete without Alex Trebek.
While I can’t list everyone, as this would be too long of a list, I would like to acknowledge the thousands of people who died from Covid this year, may the all rest in peace and may the families have peace with their memories and hold close to their hearts.
I have no idea of what’s to come in 2021 other than, I remain focused on my goals. I have to say, I laugh a little at those who are mimicking similar things as everyone else is doing because it’s the “trend” but what will make some of use stand out, isn’t making resolutions or just following the trends, but making commitments to ourselves.
When we do that, we see outside of the box, literally.
Until then. Take Care of You!